AMERICAN IN ARABIA: An Airport Guide to Not Looking Terroristic

Published March 21st, 2012 - 12:31 GMT
U.S. Homeland Security want you to stop your terroristic yawning.
U.S. Homeland Security want you to stop your terroristic yawning.

Have you ever worried about looking suspicious at an airport? Fret not. Brett, who has been to many airports, gives you some handy dandy tips to not end up in the interrogation room. With yawning and goosebumps considered the sign of a hardened terrorists, it's not an easy feat.

In the past years, the United States has thwarted dozens of terrorist attacks from New York to Milwaukee. Their work has been amazing. But just as they were getting their stride back, the Dept. of Homeland Security put out their Cliff Notes for spotting a potential aerial saboteur.  This terrorist-spotting manual  for the masses has left many of us scratching our headrests.

My gut is telling me that putting this pamphlet in the hands of airline patrons is not a great strategy. For example,uncontrollable yawning and goose bumps are among the many give-aways for a burgeoning human Molotov cocktail. They advise us to be cautious if someone is displaying these ‘traits’ in the airport. Be cautious of tired people at an airport? That’s like saying if you want to catch a thief, keep an eye out for anyone with hands.    

I’ve never looked refreshed at an airport. The cheapest flights are always early in the morning and who wouldn’t skip some sleep to save a buck or two. But this usually means wearing slippers there and hiring a wheelchair so I can grab a nap on the way to the terminal.

If I did look rested when I arrived, by the time I have stood in line for several moments in time, been violated at security and spent my daughter’s college fund on lunch, I look like Ted Kaczynski on a bad hair day! Apparently, a telltale sign of a suicidal lunatic is “if an individual has a cold stare, 'trance-like gaze' or wide 'flashbulb eye'”.  I only wish I looked that good after my free airport security colonoscopy.

According to the braniacs at the DHS, if someone is fidgeting and perspiring, they could be the underwear bomber.  I can hear the Al Qaeda rewriting their terrorist manual as we speak.

Tip #1:  Purchase this foreign substance called “Deodorant” and apply to entire body. This prevents the water from exiting our underarms. Also, it provides  delicious smell for our soon to come marriage to the 72 virgins.

Tip #2:  To limit fidgeting and goose bumps, do amazing explosions during the winter months to avoid seeing long, tempting legs of foreign women who only wear bathing suits in public.  

Tip #3:  Pack a lunch. Airport food is crazy expensive.

I do like the restriction from judging anyone by race or religion, meaning: Don’t freak out if they are Muslim.  From speaking with my Arab friends, flying the years right after 9/11 was about as fun as a hernia. At this stage in the game, if a terrorist is of the Islamic faith, I’m fairly sure they’ll not be clad in sandals and a dishdasha. If anything, just keep a nose out for a strong aroma of Right Guard and a dude with a lunch box.   

By Brett Weer

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