American in Arabia Gives 3 Ways to Smoke Out Bashar Assad

Published February 26th, 2012 - 11:56 GMT
This king of the jungle needs to watch his back.
This king of the jungle needs to watch his back.

Bashar Assad, whose name literally means the Lion Who Delivers Good News, is no longer the king of the jungle. Russia and China have stopped being so public about their support for the Syrian Government. Iraq is silent and has enough to worry about already. Even Hamas has removed their offices from Syria. On Friday, Hamas’s Gaza Prime Minister Ishmaels Hanineyh declared in Al Azhar Mosque that they stand behind the protesting citizens of Syria. Now it’s just the Lion laying with the Iran, a hapless pair if ever there was one.

With his tail now between his legs, it seems it is not a matter of if but when the Doctor from Damascus will take a hint and leave the Middle East. But how do we smoke the Assads out? I think I may have a few ideas

1. Abduct his tailor:

Bashar is a tall man—he goes about 1.9 meters (That’s six foot three for you Americans ). As a six-fiver myself, I know the ills of being longer than Friday, to use the Arab expression. Come springtime, he’s not waltzing into a local Eddie Hussein Bauer’s or Al Bon Ton (Eddie Bauer and Bon Ton are American clothes stores -ed.) and picking up a pair of slacks. With his long legs, he can either order from online or get things custom made. Since Amazon doesn’t currently deliver to war torn areas, his only option is that little bald tailor we just shipped off to Sweden. So now, we wait; he’s got to get his 'spring' wardrobe sometime!

2. Hack his Facebook account:

  1. We all know Bashar is holed up in his palace, trolling his buddies’ photo accounts and playing Texas Hold’ Em. But just a minute! His Facebook update has changed to, “Hey Netanyahu! Had a great time playing cards with you last night! Come over today and we’ll shoot some billiards”. That’s odd. Look, he is in a new relationship with…. himself. And his new favorite artists are Bruce Springsteen and Elton John. After we spot him ‘liking’ Hillary Clinton’s vacation photos, I’d give him about a week until he cracks.

3. Buy him a big mirror:

To cope with the daily slaughters he is sanctioning, I’m fairly certain the Lyin' King has removed anything in his house that makes him reflect. No one in their right minds could bear to exist if they had to stare themselves in the face each day and admit, “I’m killing people because they disagree with me”. If we put that mirror up, he’d have to look into his beady eyes, his squirrelly mustache. And the horror alone would send him packing.

Whatever it takes, would you please just stop killing people, Mr. Assad? I would like to deliver some good news to the citizens of Homs: The Cowardly Lion has run away, and it is now time to form a government where everyone has a voice. Syria is diverse with all types of religious minorities and social classes. Your new regime will have to be unique and tailor-made for all your citizens. Just so you're prepared, I’ll give Sweden a call and we’ll bring the bald man back.

By Brett Weer 

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