What if London’s Muslim Mayor gave the city a Ramadan makeover....

Published June 5th, 2016 - 02:03 GMT

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With Ramadan 2016 upon us, we cast our Middle East imaginations on London’s cityscape, and - inspired by new Muslim Mayor Sadiq Khan - draped the UK capital in a fictional Muslim veil. Mind the Facts: with his newly announced all-night Underground train service (perfectly suited for late night suhurs!) and iconic double decker buses sporting Holy Month messages, the question is: Just how Muslim could London get?

You Khan-not be serious! (We're not!) but let’s forget Brexit for a moment, and instead mess around with a make-believe Muslim Awakening, London-style. Ramadan Kareem! Continue reading below »

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Mosques turn up their adhans: from East London to Baker Street to Finsbury Park, muezzins blast out dawn 'fajir' calls for prayer with reckless abandon! Usually-muted minarets broadcast the Muslim-mantra 5 times a day- and the extra night rounds of Holy Month 'tarawih' prayers get play-time too. You can’t turn down the word of God!
Reduce

Image 1 of 15:  1 / 15Mosques turn up their adhans: from East London to Baker Street to Finsbury Park, muezzins blast out dawn "fajir" calls for prayer with reckless abandon! Usually-muted minarets broadcast the Muslim-mantra 5 times a day- and the extra night rounds of Holy Month "tarawih" prayers get play-time too. You can’t turn down the word of God!

Enlarge
Fasting in the City: Mayor Khan's first Muslim maneuver is to enforce fast-friendly work hours in London's fast-paced financial Square Mile. Suits would slow down to a sleepy snooze, and Ramadan business hours’ radically shift 'commuter rush' to noon and sun-down, or iftar 'o-clock! No smoking breaks but all naps, ‘some’ work and more pray!
Reduce

Image 2 of 15:  2 / 15Fasting in the City: Mayor Khan's first Muslim maneuver is to enforce fast-friendly work hours in London's fast-paced financial Square Mile. Suits would slow down to a sleepy snooze, and Ramadan business hours’ radically shift 'commuter rush' to noon and sun-down, or iftar 'o-clock! No smoking breaks but all naps, ‘some’ work and more pray!

Enlarge
An immediate crackdown on the greasy spoon, and specifically the offending black pudding. Pig’s blood-sausage may put the 'full' in Full English Breakfast but it’s the ultimate crime in Haram. Islam prohibits the consumption of blood and pork and this is the double whammy!  (Londoners can keep the Ploughman's Lunch on the iftar table!)
Reduce

Image 3 of 15:  3 / 15An immediate crackdown on the greasy spoon, and specifically the offending black pudding. Pig’s blood-sausage may put the 'full' in Full English Breakfast but it’s the ultimate crime in Haram. Islam prohibits the consumption of blood and pork and this is the double whammy! (Londoners can keep the Ploughman's Lunch on the iftar table!)

Enlarge
Back to the Great British fry-up, Muslim London gets a blanket bacon ban. Craving 'pigs in blankets'?  (bacon wrapped sausages), then STOP pork police!  Or pay to pork-out in London’s congestion charge zone applied to bacon, and ease those rasher-hours! Make London halal but expect bacon bootlegging. Forget black pudding, this is black market!
Reduce

Image 4 of 15:  4 / 15Back to the Great British fry-up, Muslim London gets a blanket bacon ban. Craving 'pigs in blankets'? (bacon wrapped sausages), then STOP pork police! Or pay to pork-out in London’s congestion charge zone applied to bacon, and ease those rasher-hours! Make London halal but expect bacon bootlegging. Forget black pudding, this is black market!

Enlarge
No sex in the city….before marriage!  And that includes sex on the beach, or by the river Thames-side for that matter! We’re talking virgin cocktails all around: mocktails for the millennials, in Muslim Mayor's sober London.
Reduce

Image 5 of 15:  5 / 15No sex in the city….before marriage! And that includes sex on the beach, or by the river Thames-side for that matter! We’re talking virgin cocktails all around: mocktails for the millennials, in Muslim Mayor's sober London.

Enlarge
You know you're in the City of God when London buses carry Subhan Allah, 'Glory be to God', banners! Spoofs aside, the double deckers will unroll this limited edition Holy Month drive. Before you do a double take and catch your breath at God’s mysterious ways - so very Subhan Allah – note that TfL has previously run Christian and atheist signs.
Reduce

Image 6 of 15:  6 / 15You know you're in the City of God when London buses carry Subhan Allah, "Glory be to God", banners! Spoofs aside, the double deckers will unroll this limited edition Holy Month drive. Before you do a double take and catch your breath at God’s mysterious ways - so very Subhan Allah – note that TfL has previously run Christian and atheist signs.

Enlarge
Move over London Pride (ale): British boozing just took a hit as beer paves way to an alternative brew. Will pubs serve punters pints of Ayran over Anglo ales? This chilled diluted yogurt drink may lack alcohol but it's popular as punch in the Muslim majority Middle East. What comes next, holy Friday lunches to write-off Sunday’s pub roast?
Reduce

Image 7 of 15:  7 / 15Move over London Pride (ale): British boozing just took a hit as beer paves way to an alternative brew. Will pubs serve punters pints of Ayran over Anglo ales? This chilled diluted yogurt drink may lack alcohol but it's popular as punch in the Muslim majority Middle East. What comes next, holy Friday lunches to write-off Sunday’s pub roast?

Enlarge
Converting to camel milk? The British institution of morning milkman delivery is eroding, but the milk cart still does rounds to the committed customers. If the much-loved milkman goes with the humped supplier, London’s masses might tolerate camel dairy in their cereal and milky tea, especially given the lower cholesterol and lactose content.
Reduce

Image 8 of 15:  8 / 15Converting to camel milk? The British institution of morning milkman delivery is eroding, but the milk cart still does rounds to the committed customers. If the much-loved milkman goes with the humped supplier, London’s masses might tolerate camel dairy in their cereal and milky tea, especially given the lower cholesterol and lactose content.

Enlarge
Bedouins on the beat: Think camel-mounted police on London patrols. Humped ships of the desert are giving the traditional horses who serve the Mounted Branch of the Metropolitan Police a run for their money: Meet the Bobbies on the bump!
Reduce

Image 9 of 15:  9 / 15Bedouins on the beat: Think camel-mounted police on London patrols. Humped ships of the desert are giving the traditional horses who serve the Mounted Branch of the Metropolitan Police a run for their money: Meet the Bobbies on the bump!

Enlarge
Bedouin Buckingham guards: Tourists flocking to stare at the Queen’s solemn sentries, standing guard with statuesque discipline, would be treated to this Arabian army, with scimitars, checked keffiyeh and bagpipes to boot. Maybe a bit less stiff, but just as formidable --you don't want to cross this line of desert defense.
Reduce

Image 10 of 15:  10 / 15Bedouin Buckingham guards: Tourists flocking to stare at the Queen’s solemn sentries, standing guard with statuesque discipline, would be treated to this Arabian army, with scimitars, checked keffiyeh and bagpipes to boot. Maybe a bit less stiff, but just as formidable --you don't want to cross this line of desert defense.

Enlarge
London's exclusive gentlemen's clubs would be usurped by the equally male dominated 'diwans' or 'diwaniyah' (traditional Arabian tents hosting male guests, who engage in political debate while knocking back shots of coffee). Belly dancers and lap dancers are not poles apart after all.
Reduce

Image 11 of 15:  11 / 15London's exclusive gentlemen's clubs would be usurped by the equally male dominated "diwans" or "diwaniyah" (traditional Arabian tents hosting male guests, who engage in political debate while knocking back shots of coffee). Belly dancers and lap dancers are not poles apart after all.

Enlarge
Halal sex shops in London’s redlight Soho district. (Whatever holy sanctioned sex toys look like) Show your marriage certificate at the door!
Reduce

Image 12 of 15:  12 / 15Halal sex shops in London’s redlight Soho district. (Whatever holy sanctioned sex toys look like) Show your marriage certificate at the door!

Enlarge
Ramadan nights underground? Finally the London tube will run at night, a service the night-lifers crave most when braving the cold, wet night-bus waiting. While this initiative actually got announced by Mayor Khan ahead of Ramadan (when night turns to day for many Muslim-fasting) it won’t launch in time; on track for an August opening.
Reduce

Image 13 of 15:  13 / 15Ramadan nights underground? Finally the London tube will run at night, a service the night-lifers crave most when braving the cold, wet night-bus waiting. While this initiative actually got announced by Mayor Khan ahead of Ramadan (when night turns to day for many Muslim-fasting) it won’t launch in time; on track for an August opening.

Enlarge
Houses of Parliament to undergo Ramadan recess, or segregated sessions? Picture the House of Lords (Sultans?) and Commons going gender and sectarian-split seating. Between C of E, Catholic, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and Atheist, debates could get rowdy. Heated hearings could rock the casbah, even if the Speaker don’t like it! (Off with their heads!)
Reduce

Image 14 of 15:  14 / 15Houses of Parliament to undergo Ramadan recess, or segregated sessions? Picture the House of Lords (Sultans?) and Commons going gender and sectarian-split seating. Between C of E, Catholic, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and Atheist, debates could get rowdy. Heated hearings could rock the casbah, even if the Speaker don’t like it! (Off with their heads!)

Enlarge
Queen going hijabi: Maybe pigs won’t fly away from London, but the Queen (though a King or Khalifeh would be preferable) has sported the head scarf Muslim-style when in Rome (or Riyadh).
Reduce

Image 15 of 15:  15 / 15Queen going hijabi: Maybe pigs won’t fly away from London, but the Queen (though a King or Khalifeh would be preferable) has sported the head scarf Muslim-style when in Rome (or Riyadh).

Enlarge

1

Mosques turn up their adhans: from East London to Baker Street to Finsbury Park, muezzins blast out dawn 'fajir' calls for prayer with reckless abandon! Usually-muted minarets broadcast the Muslim-mantra 5 times a day- and the extra night rounds of Holy Month 'tarawih' prayers get play-time too. You can’t turn down the word of God!

Image 1 of 15Mosques turn up their adhans: from East London to Baker Street to Finsbury Park, muezzins blast out dawn "fajir" calls for prayer with reckless abandon! Usually-muted minarets broadcast the Muslim-mantra 5 times a day- and the extra night rounds of Holy Month "tarawih" prayers get play-time too. You can’t turn down the word of God!

2

Fasting in the City: Mayor Khan's first Muslim maneuver is to enforce fast-friendly work hours in London's fast-paced financial Square Mile. Suits would slow down to a sleepy snooze, and Ramadan business hours’ radically shift 'commuter rush' to noon and sun-down, or iftar 'o-clock! No smoking breaks but all naps, ‘some’ work and more pray!

Image 2 of 15Fasting in the City: Mayor Khan's first Muslim maneuver is to enforce fast-friendly work hours in London's fast-paced financial Square Mile. Suits would slow down to a sleepy snooze, and Ramadan business hours’ radically shift 'commuter rush' to noon and sun-down, or iftar 'o-clock! No smoking breaks but all naps, ‘some’ work and more pray!

3

An immediate crackdown on the greasy spoon, and specifically the offending black pudding. Pig’s blood-sausage may put the 'full' in Full English Breakfast but it’s the ultimate crime in Haram. Islam prohibits the consumption of blood and pork and this is the double whammy!  (Londoners can keep the Ploughman's Lunch on the iftar table!)

Image 3 of 15An immediate crackdown on the greasy spoon, and specifically the offending black pudding. Pig’s blood-sausage may put the 'full' in Full English Breakfast but it’s the ultimate crime in Haram. Islam prohibits the consumption of blood and pork and this is the double whammy! (Londoners can keep the Ploughman's Lunch on the iftar table!)

4

Back to the Great British fry-up, Muslim London gets a blanket bacon ban. Craving 'pigs in blankets'?  (bacon wrapped sausages), then STOP pork police!  Or pay to pork-out in London’s congestion charge zone applied to bacon, and ease those rasher-hours! Make London halal but expect bacon bootlegging. Forget black pudding, this is black market!

Image 4 of 15Back to the Great British fry-up, Muslim London gets a blanket bacon ban. Craving 'pigs in blankets'? (bacon wrapped sausages), then STOP pork police! Or pay to pork-out in London’s congestion charge zone applied to bacon, and ease those rasher-hours! Make London halal but expect bacon bootlegging. Forget black pudding, this is black market!

5

No sex in the city….before marriage!  And that includes sex on the beach, or by the river Thames-side for that matter! We’re talking virgin cocktails all around: mocktails for the millennials, in Muslim Mayor's sober London.

Image 5 of 15No sex in the city….before marriage! And that includes sex on the beach, or by the river Thames-side for that matter! We’re talking virgin cocktails all around: mocktails for the millennials, in Muslim Mayor's sober London.

6

You know you're in the City of God when London buses carry Subhan Allah, 'Glory be to God', banners! Spoofs aside, the double deckers will unroll this limited edition Holy Month drive. Before you do a double take and catch your breath at God’s mysterious ways - so very Subhan Allah – note that TfL has previously run Christian and atheist signs.

Image 6 of 15You know you're in the City of God when London buses carry Subhan Allah, "Glory be to God", banners! Spoofs aside, the double deckers will unroll this limited edition Holy Month drive. Before you do a double take and catch your breath at God’s mysterious ways - so very Subhan Allah – note that TfL has previously run Christian and atheist signs.

7

Move over London Pride (ale): British boozing just took a hit as beer paves way to an alternative brew. Will pubs serve punters pints of Ayran over Anglo ales? This chilled diluted yogurt drink may lack alcohol but it's popular as punch in the Muslim majority Middle East. What comes next, holy Friday lunches to write-off Sunday’s pub roast?

Image 7 of 15Move over London Pride (ale): British boozing just took a hit as beer paves way to an alternative brew. Will pubs serve punters pints of Ayran over Anglo ales? This chilled diluted yogurt drink may lack alcohol but it's popular as punch in the Muslim majority Middle East. What comes next, holy Friday lunches to write-off Sunday’s pub roast?

8

Converting to camel milk? The British institution of morning milkman delivery is eroding, but the milk cart still does rounds to the committed customers. If the much-loved milkman goes with the humped supplier, London’s masses might tolerate camel dairy in their cereal and milky tea, especially given the lower cholesterol and lactose content.

Image 8 of 15Converting to camel milk? The British institution of morning milkman delivery is eroding, but the milk cart still does rounds to the committed customers. If the much-loved milkman goes with the humped supplier, London’s masses might tolerate camel dairy in their cereal and milky tea, especially given the lower cholesterol and lactose content.

9

Bedouins on the beat: Think camel-mounted police on London patrols. Humped ships of the desert are giving the traditional horses who serve the Mounted Branch of the Metropolitan Police a run for their money: Meet the Bobbies on the bump!

Image 9 of 15Bedouins on the beat: Think camel-mounted police on London patrols. Humped ships of the desert are giving the traditional horses who serve the Mounted Branch of the Metropolitan Police a run for their money: Meet the Bobbies on the bump!

10

Bedouin Buckingham guards: Tourists flocking to stare at the Queen’s solemn sentries, standing guard with statuesque discipline, would be treated to this Arabian army, with scimitars, checked keffiyeh and bagpipes to boot. Maybe a bit less stiff, but just as formidable --you don't want to cross this line of desert defense.

Image 10 of 15Bedouin Buckingham guards: Tourists flocking to stare at the Queen’s solemn sentries, standing guard with statuesque discipline, would be treated to this Arabian army, with scimitars, checked keffiyeh and bagpipes to boot. Maybe a bit less stiff, but just as formidable --you don't want to cross this line of desert defense.

11

London's exclusive gentlemen's clubs would be usurped by the equally male dominated 'diwans' or 'diwaniyah' (traditional Arabian tents hosting male guests, who engage in political debate while knocking back shots of coffee). Belly dancers and lap dancers are not poles apart after all.

Image 11 of 15London's exclusive gentlemen's clubs would be usurped by the equally male dominated "diwans" or "diwaniyah" (traditional Arabian tents hosting male guests, who engage in political debate while knocking back shots of coffee). Belly dancers and lap dancers are not poles apart after all.

12

Halal sex shops in London’s redlight Soho district. (Whatever holy sanctioned sex toys look like) Show your marriage certificate at the door!

Image 12 of 15Halal sex shops in London’s redlight Soho district. (Whatever holy sanctioned sex toys look like) Show your marriage certificate at the door!

13

Ramadan nights underground? Finally the London tube will run at night, a service the night-lifers crave most when braving the cold, wet night-bus waiting. While this initiative actually got announced by Mayor Khan ahead of Ramadan (when night turns to day for many Muslim-fasting) it won’t launch in time; on track for an August opening.

Image 13 of 15Ramadan nights underground? Finally the London tube will run at night, a service the night-lifers crave most when braving the cold, wet night-bus waiting. While this initiative actually got announced by Mayor Khan ahead of Ramadan (when night turns to day for many Muslim-fasting) it won’t launch in time; on track for an August opening.

14

Houses of Parliament to undergo Ramadan recess, or segregated sessions? Picture the House of Lords (Sultans?) and Commons going gender and sectarian-split seating. Between C of E, Catholic, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and Atheist, debates could get rowdy. Heated hearings could rock the casbah, even if the Speaker don’t like it! (Off with their heads!)

Image 14 of 15Houses of Parliament to undergo Ramadan recess, or segregated sessions? Picture the House of Lords (Sultans?) and Commons going gender and sectarian-split seating. Between C of E, Catholic, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, and Atheist, debates could get rowdy. Heated hearings could rock the casbah, even if the Speaker don’t like it! (Off with their heads!)

15

Queen going hijabi: Maybe pigs won’t fly away from London, but the Queen (though a King or Khalifeh would be preferable) has sported the head scarf Muslim-style when in Rome (or Riyadh).

Image 15 of 15Queen going hijabi: Maybe pigs won’t fly away from London, but the Queen (though a King or Khalifeh would be preferable) has sported the head scarf Muslim-style when in Rome (or Riyadh).

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