If you're looking for a 'how to land your dream job' list or advice on how to win a million dollars, you've come to the wrong place. Instead prepare yourself for the most effective ways to lose your job in 10 days.
You're probably expecting something similar to Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey's rom-com How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but rather, think Sandra Bolluk and Hugh Grant's Two Weeks Notice. In this rom-com, billionaire businessman George Wade calls every single corporation in New York City asking them NOT to hire his resigning intelligent Harvard-graduate attorney, Lucy, driving her to go out of her way to be the most reckless employee ever until he let her go.
If you're in Lucy's place, you'll find this guaranteed-to-win guide to losing your job pretty handy. If you're trying to keep your job, however, try doing the exact opposite of everything you read here.
Day 1: Get creative with your outfits
Prepare 10 slobby and inappropriate outfits to wear during the next 10 days, supposing you make it to the 10th day, of course. PJs and slippers are a perfect combination for your first day of the challenge. You can also skip laundry this week, making use of every stained piece of clothing you have.
Quick tip: a smelly gym shirt can do wonders.
Day 2: Lose track of time
For the next 10 days, you need to ditch your watch and figure out a way to disable your phone's clock widget. Time no longer matters to you from now on. Come into the office whenever you want, leave as early as you like, and take as many long breaks as you see fit.
Also, forget about deadlines. Don't feel pressured to finish anything on time as all tasks will get done eventually, so why the rush?
Day 3: Assign yourself a nap break
Set aside an hour a day for your daily nap, which will probably be right after your lunch break. If you're worried that your boss might not pass by your office during your nap breaks, make sure you send out a 'do not disturb' email to the whole office.
Day 4: Be all eyes, ears... and tongues
Once you actually make it to your office late, wearing your most awkward, stinky outfit and right after your nap break, make sure you catch every little bit of gossip around the office. It's now time to actually do some business, and by business, we mean gossip. It's fun, entertaining, and an important milestone in your job-loss journey.
Drop your ears whenever you think someone is saying something bad about another coworker. When you're reporting the incident to other colleagues, make sure you ask them to not tell anyone else, because the more secretive it is, the more viral.
Day 5: Don't show up
Now that you're halfway through your quest to lose your job, it's time to take a break from work and enjoy a good lie in.
Although it goes without saying, Just remember to NEVER send your supervisor a notice that you're taking the day off.
Day 6: Underperform
Now that you're back at work, try doing the very least of your responsibilities. Deliver the weakest outcome if at all. Go back to your supervisor's feedback and repeat every mistake they drew your attention to before. This works best if you have a measurable daily target.
If you deal with customers and clients on a daily basis, this is your best chance to respond to every angry client the way you've always wished.
Day 7: Phone calls day
Today is the day you check on every friend and family member you haven't contacted in a while. Your calls should take place while you're at your desk, especially if you work in an open space office and you must try to use your loudest voice all along. A few laughs and phone fights can actually help you accomplish your goal in less than 10 days.
Day 8: Best day to be a drama queen
As we're approaching the end of your career at your workplace, it's time to spice things up, by bringing your worst personal stories to the office. If you don't have any life troubles, or maybe yours are not so sad, go ahead and make up a few stories.
Crying is also highly recommended, as it makes it harder for anyone to remind you of your pending tasks.
Day 9: Blame others for all your shortcomings
By the 9th day, you've probably received several negative comments from your supervisor and hopefully a few serious warnings. Go ahead and blame every single thing you've done on others and show absolutely no genuine interest in apologizing for your failures.
Day 10: Arrogance for the win
Today is the big final day when you should expect a "you're fired" letter at any moment. Everyone in the office hates you and very few people are wondering if they should give you second chances. When you enter the office all late and slobby, try to not greet anyone and ignore those who acknowledge your presence. Call people by rude and offensive nicknames and make sure you throw in a few racist and sexist remarks.
If you make it past afternoon without getting fired, you should consider starting a fight with another coworker, preferably someone in a higher position, make them feel threatened, and your notice of termination will be yours in a few minutes. Congrats!
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